Years ago, I struggled with homosexuality.  At that time, I became sexually involved with my best friend. The relationship was messy, confusing, abusive, and manipulating. Eventually, we both recognized that what we were doing was wrong, but we continued to pursue the love we desperately wanted.  I wanted to be loved by someone so deeply that I forgot who ultimately loved me—God.  

From there, my sexual confusion ramped up even more, which compelled me to consider coming out. I wrestled between moments of clarity and doubt, but I always knew something needed to change. I had one foot in the Christian life, and one foot out. 

The “secret relationship” went on for about a year until I finally realized that I needed to make Christ the top priority in my life and repent. Looking back on my journal entries, I can see how I wrestled between wanting the desires of my own heart and what God purposed for me. I doubted God. I didn’t think He would be able to bring me out of that relationship and sinful behavior. I thought I would struggle with it for the rest of my life.  I kept making up excuses and trying to justify my sin. I had little faith. I think about how Moses encounters God through the burning bush (Exodus 3 and 4). Moses wrestles with God: God wants him to go to Egypt to speak with Pharaoh about letting the Israelites go, but Moses keeps making up excuses as to why he can’t go, until God blatantly tells Moses “I will be with you” (Exodus 3:12). Like Moses, I had to realize that God would be with me every step of the way. I had to trust in Him, and in doing so, I had to obey his call to repent from my sin.  

Remembering Where My Identity Is Found 

I know that God is present in every circumstance that I face and works through all things. He never left me as I struggled to break away from the sinful lifestyle I had chosen to pursue. Psalm 116:5 says, “Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful.” I am so grateful that in His mercy, He led me back to His side when I had gone astray.  

Part of my struggle was with my identity and looking to the world to find it. But I remembered I don’t have to question my identity because God has created me in his image, called me a child of God, and has always loved me. Christ is Lord, and my identity is in Him. 2 Corinthians 5:17 is meaningful to me: “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, behold all things have become new.”  Knowing that Christ has given me a new identity in Him brings comfort and joy. I don’t have to look for my identity in this world. I can know Christ personally and spend eternity with Him and with the others who find their identity in Him.  

Chasing the Wrong Desires 

When I was struggling with homosexual behavior, the root sin and overall scope of what I was going through was that ultimately, I was following my emotions instead of following Christ. I can be drawn to a worldly kind of love that is defined by following every desire of my heart, and I can forget that God is love, and that the ultimate way he has shown me love is by having Christ die for me (1 John 4:9).  

I don’t struggle with this sin in the same way anymore, but the root of this sin still appears in my life in different ways. As a new parent, for example, I can feel angry and bitter over my circumstances when I’m dealing with lack of sleep. I compare myself to other moms who have sleeping kids, and it can be easy to let my emotions dictate my behavior instead submitting them to the Lord. I need to guard my heart and mind—thinking about whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, etc. (Philippians 4:8)—whether it be against the temptation to dwell on unwholesome thoughts or memories from the past, or the temptation to indulge feelings of bitterness when being a mom is difficult and tiring. 

Entrusting My Life to Christ 

I have a Savior who does not give up on me. Even when I was defiantly following my own ways, Christ kept pursuing me. It felt as if He were convicting me day after day.  Looking back on those moments, I think that was His way of showing me that he really, truly loves me. As Hebrews 12:6 says, “the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” I know Jesus has forgiven me for my past and present sins, as He paid the penalty for each of my sins on the cross (Ephesians 1:7).  He washes my sins white as snow (Isaiah 1:18). 

Also, Jesus can satisfy my need for relationship in a way that no earthly friendship ever can. Even today, I can put so much pressure on my friendships that I’m easily disappointed and discouraged. But Jesus is my one true source of comfort and refuge. I can go to Christ with all my anxieties and problems and issues; He will give me what I need. People are human and imperfect, but Christ is perfect. 

Pressing Forward in Faith 

By faith, I can ask for forgiveness. Sometimes I feel sadness and guilt over the way things ended with some of my friends when I was leaving the homosexual lifestyle. There was a lot of inner turmoil, and I said hurtful things. I’m not proud of how I handled it. I’ve asked for forgiveness, and I hope they can forgive me—but, I know Christ has forgiven me. I wanted to completely reconcile things with these friends, but I am reminded that I did my part in obeying God, and the rest is in His hands.  

I am also 100% certain that Christ will provide a way of escape when I’m tempted. (1 Corinthians 10:13) Sometimes I’m tempted to think about my past mistakes and wallow in them. My mind wanders, wondering what could have been if I had stayed in that sin. But Christ gives me the strength to resist the urge to dwell on the past and helps me focus on Him instead. 

When I feel angry and bitter, or when I struggle with friendships and feel sad or fearful about relationships, I know I can praise Him because He is quick to forgive and slow to anger when I mess up. I’m so thankful for his grace and compassion! I’m thankful that I don’t need to live in sadness or fear of the future, but I can continue to press forward: “Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13–14). I’m grateful I’m a new creation in Christ! 

*Author’s name has been changed, but she is eager to listen to and care for those who might struggle similarly.  If you’re interested in connecting with Brooke, reach out to Laura Kleinschmidt (lkleinschmidt@theorchardefc.org).