The holidays are hard for me, not because of relationships, but because I struggle with food. When I go to a party with goodies spread out for all to enjoy, my thoughts drift toward the most tempting delicacies. These thoughts are a constant presence, taking up residence at the forefront of my mind for the duration of the party. I also eat too much when I’m home and feeling restless. I meander into the kitchen, mindlessly open cupboards, looking for something, anything, to give me comfort. Early in our marriage, my husband found me eating cookies in the closet. Later, when we had kids, they also saw my struggle. Numerous times over the years my family has asked, “Where did the  ___ go?” I feel ashamed and frustrated with myself for giving into the pull of food again and again. My teenage son once took a sharpie and, on the saran wrap covering the brownie pan, outlined the remaining brownies as a record of what should be there. That outline was for me. 

I long to have a proper relationship with food: where I feel like I’m controlling it, rather than it controlling me. I’m writing this after an event where there were a lot of tasty treats. I had a very difficult time restraining myself, and I now feel stuffed and uncomfortable. I can see the wisdom of Proverbs 25:16, “If you have found honey, eat only enough for you, lest you have your fill of it and vomit it.”

“I long to have a proper relationship with food.”

God created me and knows my body, and therefore knows how it works best. He also created food and said, “It is good” (Genesis 1:11-12). But I’m learning that even with good gifts, I can have a “not so good” relationship with that gift. My relationship with God’s gift of food is distorted when I allow it to be an all-consuming thing. In fact, at times my giving into the pull of food feels like worship. In that moment it feels like that’s what I’m living for, and that’s what matters most in my life. So many times, I’ve “woken up” to my mindless kitchen-roaming eating and willfully chosen to block out everything else, in order to keep engaging with eating. It’s as if I’m giving myself over to a false “belly god,” which in the moment feels like comfort and rest, but in the end leads to destruction (Philippians 3:19). When I refuse to exercise self-control and instead surrender myself to enslaving desires, this is what God calls sin. 

“At times my giving into the pull of food feels like worship.”

Where can I find hope? Often I can think, “No one struggles like this” and “No one would understand this.” But God reminds me in that I’m not alone in this battle as others struggle similarly, and even though it may feel like it, I know that this temptation is not beyond my ability to resist it. With God’s help I can endure it and even escape it because He is faithful (1 Corinthians 10:13). God is with me in those moments when temptation seems the strongest, and He knows what I’m going through. Christ was tempted in every way and without sin (Hebrews 4:15). He lived the perfect life that I could never live, and died on the cross for my sins so I could be forgiven and freed from enslaving sins (John 8:36, Romans 6:6). Through Christ’s resurrection I now have new life in Christ and He’s given me the Holy Spirit which enables me to say “no” to temptations (1 Peter 1:3-4, Romans 6:4). God doesn’t look at me with disgust when I sin, but calls me “beloved” as he invites me to run to him for rest instead of food. 

I am learning, slowly, how to depend on God and surrender myself to the freeing Lordship of Christ rather than the enslaving “lordship” of food. I’ve been trying to flee this idolatry in different ways (1 Corinthians 10:14). Years ago, with a friend’s suggestion, I purchased a lock box to put extremely tempting food in, so it’d be available for my family but not where I could consume it. Also, I’ve asked family members to interrupt me when they see me standing and eating alone in the kitchen by asking me questions, such as, “Do you want to eat that?” When I do give into temptation and then eventually “wake up” to my eating, I try to remember that God is for me and not against me and thank him for the Holy Spirit helping me see what I’m doing (Romans 8:31). I confess to God my lack of self-control and my “worship” of earthly comfort and rest and ask for His forgiveness. I’ve also found it helpful to say out loud, “I don’t want to worship here.” Proactively I’m trying to be attentive to when I’m most tempted and call out to God for help early, since Jesus is my only true rest (Matthew 11:28). I also ask my small group at church to pray that I’d grow in running to Jesus for rest instead of the kitchen. And I’m trying to remember to pray for strength before going into temptation situations, such as parties with tempting food. 

“God doesn’t look at me with disgust when I sin but calls me ‘beloved’ as he invites me to run to him for rest instead of food.”

Several years ago I realized how long I had been combatting this and wearily exclaimed to a friend, “I may have to struggle with this until I’m 90!” Now I’m recognizing that every effort against temptation and sin is an opportunity to depend on God and glorify him. One day I will no longer be tempted and sin (Revelation 22:3), but for now, I’m grateful to have my loving, forgiving, and merciful God to run to when tempted and needing grace. He alone can satisfy my longing soul and fill me with what is truly good (Psalm 107:9). 

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